What’s the simple skill that could transform your company’s performance, culture, and customer satisfaction — and at the same time strengthen your friendships, family, and community?
Listening.
Simple, right? You may be thinking, “Hold on, I’m listening all the time!”
But “not speaking”, waiting for your turn to talk, is not the same as “listening”.
Real listening happens when you tune into someone else. “Tune in” may sound a bit woo woo – and I am a child of the sixties – but I’m talking about real science.
When you pay attention not just to the words, but also to the tone, pauses, and emotions underneath, mirror neurons in your brain fire, and you start to feel what the other person feels, understanding them in a deeper way. We’re like little tuning forks resonating with each other.
But in a noisy, distracted, stressed-out culture, this natural gift of yours often gets blocked. When you’re rushed or overstimulated, your nervous system slips into fight-or-flight, without you even being aware of that shift.
When that happens, the part of your brain that creates empathy goes offline, so instead of listening, you find yourself interrupting, defending, or reaching for your phone. Not because you’re rude – it’s your nervous system’s natural response to stress.
True listening takes courage. The root of the word courage comes from the Latin word for heart.
Tuning into another person this way will make you feel things – maybe some things you’d rather not feel – which is why you might unconsciously avoid really listening.
When you listen, remarkable things happen: people calm down, connection grows, and trust deepens. You don’t have to give advice or fix anything. Listening is often enough.
Here are 7 ways to practice:
1. Know your why: You’re listening to connect and learn. Be receptive and open to change.
2. Don’t rush. Have important conversations when you can pay attention.
3. Ground yourself. If you’re standing, feel the floor under your feet. If you’re sitting, feel the chair under your butt. Then let your body settle into that support beneath you. Feeling your body will take you out of your thoughts and allow you to really listen.
4. Repeat back what you’ve heard. Try “It sounds like you’re saying…[repeat what you heard them say].. Is that correct?” Then give them a chance to correct you if you’re wrong. This builds trust and clarity.
5. Keep feeling your body in the chair as you listen. Don’t “think” about your body being supported, really “feel” it. Thinking about your body will get in the way of listening. Feeling safely held by the chair will allow you to be vulnerable and learn. You have to experience this for yourself to know what I’m saying here. Try it and let me know how it goes.
6. Be curious. You may not like or even agree with what you’ve heard, but to truly listen and be listened to is an intimate and vulnerable exchange. If you stay curious, you will grow.
When you truly listen to someone, they feel safe – their stress eases and emotions regulate. You change them simply by listening — and in the resonance, you change yourself too.
As poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: “Take your well-disciplined strengths and stretch them between two opposing poles. Because inside human beings is where God learns.”